Today I spent 45 minutes in a tube.

The magical mystery MRI machine.

While I  think of myself as strong and pretty fearless I am severely claustrophobic.   In an enclosed space that fearless shit goes right out the window and the panic takes over.

So, armed with 2 Valium, one of which I took 45 minutes before the procedure and then another half right before the procedure I marched myself into the MRI waiting room.

I signed the requisite forms stating that I didn’t have a  metal plate in my head or any metal scattered throughout my body.

They didn’t seem to care that I have a free-floating surgical staple from gallbladder surgery a zillion years ago.    That staple started out somewhere near my navel and now after 3 or 4 MRI’s in the years since, it is probably in my shoulder.

Perhaps it will come out of my ear and I can claim another piercing.

For this procedure I had to lie face down on the table with my face in a cradle and my arms outstretched.   Not the most comfortable position but I was sure the Valium would kick in at any minute and I wouldn’t care.

Bang, Bang, Bang.  Whir, Whir , Whir.   Ssssshhhh, Ssshhhhh, Sssshhhh.   The man behind the curtain who I decided was  the wizard of OZ-MRI ( pronounced “ozmar I” ) saying “be very still, don’t move, are you ok , here we go again” Notice the “are you ok” was jammed in the middle of the sentence and didn’t give time for a response.

15 minutes in they added the contrast dye to the IV in my arm.   I got a crappy metallic taste in my mouth and a hot flash to rival any menopausal flash I ever had.    I fought the panic and thought “come on Valium!  Do your stuff!”

What seemed like an eternity later the voice from beyond once again said “halfwaydoneareyouokherewego”.    Halfway?   I would have sworn I’d been in there an hour.

Still fighting the panic, still waiting for the damn Valium to kick in.

Finally, the voice said  “5 and 1/2 more minutes,areyouokherewego”.

I managed to hang on to the 5 1/2 more minutes part and started counting backwards from 330.    I think I was counting too fast though or the wizard of oz-mri was lying because I got to a negative 109 before the banging stopped.

The Valium still had not kicked in.

OZ said “I have to find the girl to come and get you out”.

Find the girl?   JUST GET ME OUT!

A minute later “the girl” arrived and got me out.  Took out my IV and slid my shoes over to me.

I looked down to put them on(I wasn’t wearing my glasses)  and………….the Valium kicked in.  Suddenly I had 4 feet and none of them could find my shoes.

After a little shuffle I was back in the dressing room putting on my clothes and then in the waiting room to collect “Take you to your test Dave” who drove me home.

I  noticed in the car that my shirt was on backwards.

So the lesson here is the next time I have to take a magical mystery MRI tour to OZ I will take the magic pills 2 hours ahead of time, leave my shoes on and mark the front of my shirt with a giant pin or something.

Right now the Valium and I are going for a little nap.