Ahhh……customer service.

If we’re lucky we deal with someone on a local level who knows us and cares.

Most of us aren’t that lucky.   Most of us have at least one nightmare customer service story.

If we deal with any large corporation, telephone company, cable, credit card…….etc…..we often deal with “Sam” or “Bob” who pronounce that name as “Sim” and “Boob”.

I started paying close attention many years ago when  I decided I would try a new cell phone company because I wanted the nifty new phone that at the time only they carried.  For the purpose of this blog post I’ll just call the phone company “Shint” ( because it rhymes and if you take out the “n” you know how I feel about them…. ).

I ordered my new phone online and signed up for single line service.   My phone was delivered in a few days and I followed the directions for set-up by calling their customer service number.     At this point I was still speaking with someone who works in the United States.    Because we own a business I usually have all bills sent to that address so I  asked her to make sure the billing address was that of our office.   She assured me that wouldn’t be a problem.

Two days later my phone stopped working completely.   I called customer service and was transferred three times.

I was finally connected with some department located somewhere.

Somewhere that wasn’t the United States.

I explained the issue and asked why my phone wasn’t working.

The man who said his name was  “Boob”  replied ……..and I quote……. ”  Dis Pheen ist bean inbestigatin purr prude”

Huh?   Had I pushed a number for another language?

I calmly said “I’m sorry , I didn’t understand what you just said”

Boob said “prude! prude!  Dis pheen is prude!”

I’m thinking….Dear Gawd…….my phone is a prude?   I can’t possibly talk on a prude phone…what if I talk about sex or swear or something?

I say “Prude?”  and Boob says “naa!  Prude!”

Shit.

Still calm, I ask Boob if I can speak to someone who can explain to me in words I can understand just what the hell is going on.

Boob put me on hold.  Sim got on the phone and explains :  “yur pone as been plagged for prod”.

At this point my patience had run out and the New York Nasties were about to come out.

I guess Sim must have known that because he put “Beeth” on the phone.   Beeth asked if my phone had been “tolen”.

I was  finally beginning to put the pieces together.   Prude, prod, tolen.   Apparently Shint had decided my phone had been stolen and there was *gasp* FRAUD.

I explained through gritted teeth that my phone had never left my possession, I was the owner and I just wanted my freaking nifty phone to work.

Sim, who was now back on the line, said “inbestigaton not pinish”.

I hung up.

I returned the phone, cancelled the service and Shint went in the brand new “no freaking way I’d ever use this asshole company again” file.

Yes, I really have one and unfortunately all these years later it is pretty full.

And by the way, spell check went nuts on this post.   Too bad they don’t have pronunciation check on those customer service phones….