Again, the names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.
Over the course of the next two and a half days I observed the following:
Conspiracy Stumbledore ( I call him this because he bears a striking resemblance to the wizard Dumbledore from the Harry Potter movies) weaving through the casino yelling about the government and telling us not to pay our taxes. I was fortunate enough to see him on Thursday and again on Saturday when he made another weave through to make sure we knew “FEDS ARE STEALERS!, YOU’RE ALL HYPOCRITES, DON’T PAY TAXES!”
I made sure to note this in order to tell my accountant.
I like to gamble early in the morning so I go to bed early and get up early.
On Saturday morning at around 5 am I caught sight of Thumbalina Thong hanging around the ATM by the front exit to the Las Vegas strip ( appropriate name in this case). She was wearing a tube top as a skirt and unfortunately for my eyes kept bending over. ( Hence the nickname). It was like a bad accident, I couldn’t look away. Thumbalina was a very friendly girl. She chatted up all the guys who stopped to get money out of the ATM…..
There were a few more Drunky McDrunkersons ( must have been a Drunky Convention or a McDrunkerson Reunion), several Sally Screamers (these are the ones that scream like they’ve won the Mega Millions when they hit 40 cents on a slot machine) and Lucy and Lenny Lurker.
Lucy and Lenny have their act down pat. One stands right behind a person playing a slot machine and the other stands right beside. They sigh and mumble things like “do you think she is almost done? I really want to play that machine. Dammit she hit again! I’ll just stand closer and breathe my garlic breath on her”. I manage to pay no attention to Lucy or Lenny and will put more money in the machine just to hear what they say.
Sunday arrived and it was time to head back to the airport for the trip home. Once again I sent positive vibes out for a good seat and a safe trip home.
Again I was lucky and got an exit row aisle seat.
Again the middle seat stayed open until the very last person got on the plane.
Down the aisle came a very tall woman who sat down next to me, turned and slurred “Ish diss plane goiiinnng”
Freak a doodle doo, here we go again.
I could tell that Vanessa V. Valium had taken a little something to make her less anxious which she had apparently washed down with vodka.
She continued to speak in gibberish to me and to the gentleman at the window who finally said “I’m sorry, I can’t understand what you are asking me”. Then she pointed to the man across the aisle and said “S’husband? ”
I assumed she was asking if the man was my husband and I told her he was not. She then said “good ’causes he’s got hairrry legggggs”.
At this point we were cleared for takeoff and as soon as we were in the air, her head dropped forward. I thought maybe she had died but I wasn’t quite that lucky.
She roused herself enough to order another vodka and after guzzling half of it dropped back off to sleep.
ON MY SHOULDER.
I shoved back and startled her. Her hands flew up, hit her tray table and sent her drink flying. She grabbed the napkin out from under MY drink ( diet coke but I was sure wishing for Jack Daniels at this point) which I managed to grab before it spilled.
Then before mopping up her spill she nodded back off to sleep……on the guy at the window. He shoved her back to upright and she managed to stay that way with her head in the dead position, only waking up a few more times to ask rambling unintelligible questions to nobody in particular. I had my headphones on, watching another movie and I was ignoring her.
The flight attendant came by right before landing to collect her payment for the vodka and tell her to put up her tray table. She couldn’t find her free drink coupon or her wallet. It might have helped if she looked in her purse instead of the lunch bag she brought along. I was pretty sure she wasn’t going to find it among the dried fruits and Cheetos. The flight attendant finally gave up, looked at me and rolled her eyes. I matched that roll and she mouthed “sorry”.
The best thing about the flight is that we arrived 30 minutes early.
I caught sight of Vanessa Valium in baggage claim, sitting ON the baggage carousel . She may still be there today, going around and around waiting to be claimed…..
Dave and I go back in three weeks to see The Who. I can only imagine what that crowd will be like. Good blog fodder I hope.