It is hot, and I’m overdressed.

The heat snuck (or ‘sneaked’ for you grammar traditionalists with peeves)  up on me.     Yesterday it was 93 degrees with the kind of humidity that melts your face.  We were at the garden center getting plants for the yard and my face melted. I didn’t like the face part, but I was hoping for the melt to move right down my overdressed body ( think “sauna suit” ). Unfortunately, that didn’t happen.

Like many women my age, my weight fluc-tu-ates.   I’m always a curvy girl but let’s just say I’m significantly curvier than I was last year.  I spent the winter fluctuating, holed up in my little cocoon eating donuts and peanut M &M’s while I happily wore jeans and long tops.  I knew I was gaining weight, but my bathroom scale had gone on vacation, and the treadmill spent the winter masquerading as a clothes rack.  I spent the time telling myself I needed to learn to love myself at the weight I was and accept that I’m not ever going to be 5’10” and 100 lbs.   I do believe each of us needs to learn to love and accept ourselves but for me, at this time, this was just my excuse to eat more donuts and M&M’s. I am now a black belt master of excuses.

When the scale returned to its home in the bathroom, I found that my weight had moved past the little red sliding marker that I set at my very top weight.  After I had recovered from the shock,  I got off and thought “tomorrow I’ll get back on the treadmill, and eat healthily.”

That was last month and until yesterday when I roasted in my jeans and almost caused a dust storm with my arm wings, I managed not to think about it.

I got out my summer clothes.  Nothing fit.  I went to Target and bought the one pair of sensible shorts( sensible meaning long enough to cover what needs to be covered) they had in what I thought was my new size.   Ironically they also had peanut M&M’s and Peppermint Patties on sale.    I bought those too.

The shorts have to go back.    I ate the M&M’s.

 Last night I shopped online for shorts.  Today  I’m back on the computer looking for more. It is abundantly clear to me that the fashion world has decreed that to wear shorts you must be tall and thin with legs that go up and make an ass out of themselves. (as pictured to the right)

Unfortunately, I am short and have an ass that is trying to make friends with the back of my knees.  I don’t have a thigh gap, and I’m not planning to wear high heels.  I just want some shorts to wear around the house and in the privacy of my backyard, so I don’t roast.   Is that too much to ask?

I ordered eight pairs of shorts from various store websites.   If even one of those pairs fit, I’ll be thrilled.

Now, I’m going to uncover the treadmill and we’ll get reacquainted. Maybe.

Right after I finish this second bag of M&M’s…